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Emotional Rescue

May 16, 2012 3 Comments

by Roge Slater

FA Emotional Rescue

Mornin’ Bri,

‘Allo Jim. Good weekend?

Yeah not bad. Fancy it’s gonna be a busy one t’day…

Yeah. Make you right.

See the game?

Sort of. Watched three or four on one of them text feeds. You know, where you get updates every few minutes. ‘Ad United on, City too, and I kept flipping back an’ forth, then I ‘ad a look at Stoke Bolton un’all. Bloody nuts it was. Christ knows what we’ll get in ‘ere today.

Well, two minutes an’ the doors are open, so we’ll find out soon enough…

Pills

The Football Association have announced that there has been a major breakdown at the Manchester branch of football’s Emotional Rescue Unit.

The Unit was set up specifically by the Association and their colleagues in the FA Premier League as a rehabilitation centre, intended to treat those lost souls that at the end of every season (traditionally around the middle of May), who need time to recover from the stresses and strains of following their team, home and away.

These are people who struggle to cope with the rigours of normal everyday life. Once their Saturday (and nowadays, often Sundays and Mondays too) become devoid of the football fix, they often have hallucinations, inventing games in their mind that combine many of the best (or in some cases worst) of the previous season’s games. Then, they seek out like minded souls with whom to discuss these fantasy matches.

Sometimes these poor souls have been known to become so engrossed in these fantasies with their peers that they lose all sense of reality, and, in extreme cases, they have even been so engrossed as to miss the start of the following season. This in turn can cause seizure, blackout and epileptic fits, and is extremely difficult to treat. The most prevalent cure involves the subject being held lightly restrained in a darkened room, while re-runs of all missed matches since the start of the season (including the Charity Shield) are played over and over, until such time as the subject’s consciousness is overtaken with the full belief that he or she was present at each game. (This cure has become more and more successful over the last two or three years with the advent of High Definition Television and Surround Sound, both of which add to the completeness of the experience.)

This coming summer the facilities were anticipating little use, if any at all. The craved wall to wall football is available at the flick of a switch, with the finals of European Competitions, the European Championships, the Qualifying Rounds of the Europa League (now Channel 5, struggling to compete for high quality live matches, has signed a deal to show both legs of a number of these matches) and even the Olympic Soccer tournament, all combining to bridge the gap between last season and the next. Indeed, the only foreseeable problems were at the end of the summer recess, when the only available live games would be the Olympic Women’s Soccer Tournament, as so few people grasp what is actually going on in the game.

However, no one had predicted the events of Sunday 13 May, in particular the mood swings associated with so many football followers late in the second half of the final Premier League matches of the season. The FA have released the following report, illustrating the timeline and severe mood swings in the table below:

4.05pm Man City 1-1 QPR Cisse scores MCFC fans shockedBolton fans depressed
4.12pm ManCity1-1 QPRJoey Barton Sent Off Stoke 1–2 Bolton Sunderland 0-1 Man Utd MCFC fans deliriousMUFC fans elatedQPR fans distressed / angry

BWFC fans nervous / excited

4.23pm ManCity1-2 QPR Mackie scores MUFC fans deliriousMCFC fans distraughtBolton fans stunned

QPR fans elated

4.32pm Stoke 2- 2 Bolton Boltonfans distraughtQPR fans delirious
4.47pm Sunderland 0-1 Man Utd Final score MUFC fans think they are championsMCFC fans start to leave the Etihad disappointed
4.48pm Stoke 2-2 Bolton Final Score Boltonfans realise they are relegatedQPR fans start the party as they are safe
4.50pm Man City 2-2 QPR Dzeko scores MUFC fans party’s quiet down, willing the clock to move faster.Man City fans suffer severe anxiety and clock watching in hope and desperation. Others without smartphones continue a desolate journey home.QPR fans don’t give a sh*t.
4.54pm Man City 3-2 QPR Aguero scoresFinal whistle blows. MUFC fans shocked into silence.MCFC fans apoplectic with pleasure.MCFC fans without smartphones get in, kick the cat, turn on the TV, pass out with excitement, wake up disbelieving, pass out with excitement again, wake up and apologise to the cat.

QPR fans plan abuse of Fulham and Chelsea fans starting August 2012.

Where normally at this time of year the admissions would be limited to those people suffering withdrawal symptoms, the peculiar circumstances surrounding Sunday afternoon have added a new dimension to the type of treatments required.

There are a number of supporters from the red side of Manchester who, having pitched between euphoria and desolation in such a short space of time, are physically and mentally exhausted and appear completely unable to grasp the reality that is ‘Runners-Up’. Their bodies are also producing serotonin, norepineprine and dopamine in vast quantities, creating a depressed and subdued mental state, which must be controlled before any sense of stability and reason can return.

Diametrically opposed to this are supporters from the blue side who, having felt desolation for so long — in many cases 44 years rather than 31 minutes — have suddenly seen a massive increase in adrenalin level and production of endorphins leading to overuse in the body of stored glycogen.

This is similar to the ‘rush’ that has previously been felt by imbibing of only the blue Smarties in a packet. To counteract this effect, scientists from the Emotional Rescue unit are talking to the confectionery manager about extracting the serotonin from the reds and injecting it into the blues in an effort to maintain a sense of proportion.

The required dosage is understood to be Reds: 19, Blues: 3

Creative Commons Licence

Emotional Rescue by Roger Slater is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Squeaky Bum Time

April 21, 2012

By Carl Mungazi

Dimitar Berbatov

“Have you got a squeaky bum?” Sir Alex Ferguson’s hard stare disturbed Dimitar Berbatov as much as the odd question.

“Have I got a what?” The Bulgarian asked.

“A squeaky bum. Have you got a squeaky bum, son?”

The Bulgarian looked at his manager with a puzzled expression. When Sir Alex had called him to his office for an urgent meeting this wasn’t what he had been expecting.  He wriggled in his seat, listening, then answered uncertainly. “No, I don’t believe I have a squeaky bum.”

Sir Alex sighed, removed his spectacles, rubbed his eyes in frustration and popped a fresh piece of gum into his mouth. “That’s the problem, Dimi. That’s why I have to let you go.”

“Because my bum doesn’t squeak?”

Sir Alex sighed again. “Well no, not exactly. You haven’t grown into the right type of player for this club. I had thought you would, but, well, we all make mistakes. United needs battlers. That’s just not you, is it?”

Berba rolled his eyes, in exasperation.  ”This again? Not everyone is a thug, you know, and elegance isn’t the same as weakness… But what does all this have to do with squeaky bums? Arses don’t win trophies.”

“Have you not noticed the common thread running through the players that are in the starting eleven, lad?”  the Scot inquired, his voice dripping with disappointment.  “They may not have everything, but they give everything they have, backsides included. There’s no holding back. That’s what this club needs when we’re going through squeaky bum time. Every game is crucial.”

Berba blinked hard, still not comprehending.  “I can’t give anything if I’m not on the pitch. No one is going to know if my bum squeaks while I’m sitting in the stands.”

“Listen Dimi, forget about the bums. I’m sorry, there’s no getting around it; you’re leaving at the end of the season. You’ve been a good asset to the team in the past, but things are changing. In some games, you go missing. We can’t afford to keep carrying you.”

“But I scored a hat-trick against Liverpool!”

“And look at them now…”  There was an awkward pause as the player searched for another, more convincing argument.  He knew domestic cups were like poor excuses to the man who had reduced the Merseyside club to a footnote in English football history.  When he remained silent, the manager extended an olive branch.  ”Where would you like to go?”

“Into the first team.” Berba looked down at his feet glumly, knowing his stubbornness was useless.

“Please, Dimi, don’t make this any harder than it already is. I like you, I really do, but it just isn’t working.”

The Bulgarian continued to stare at the floor. Finally, he let out a long sigh, and, rising, met his manager’s stony gaze. “I understand. To be honest, I expected it, but it’s still tough to hear. There aren’t many places you can go from here.”

“Thank you, son. I know it’s hard, but you’re a brilliant player. Any club would be lucky to have you.”

“Just not this club?”

“Let’s just say we’ve been lucky to have you.  Now, it’s time for others to share in our luck.”

Dejected, Berba walked slowly towards the door. His shoulders slumped as, behind him, he heard the gaffer speak into the intercom. “Let me know when the next one arrives, will you?”

Out in the car park, The Bulgarian struggled to get a grip on himself. Leaning on his car, he lit a cigarette, took in a long drag, and allowed images of his some of his finest goals in a United shirt to run through his mind’s eye.  Among them were the overhead against Liverpool, the lob against Chelsea and the volley against West Ham. The record would show he’d hit the back of the net over fifty times for this great club. He remembered only the very best, but now it seemed to him he might be the only one who would.

Another car eased alongside, snapping him back to the present. A young man emerged, nodded nervously, then headed inside. Berba acknowledged the greeting, released a large plume of grey smoke, and smiled to himself. Getting into his vehicle, he put it into gear, spinning the tyres as he left the complex. Making his way across town, he began humming a happy tune.

Meanwhile, back in the manager’s office, another conversation was underway.

“So tell me, Mr Anderson, how squeaky is your bum?”

Creative Commons License
Squeaky Bum Time by Carl Mungazi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The Drop

March 28, 2012 4 Comments

by Thomas Ang

Full Tube StationIn some ways, even as Henry Palmer picked his way through the upper level of the Underground station, he was already gone; head and heart crushed into an insensible pile of slush.

Heart. His friend’s words came through the mental fog he was lost in. Never put serious money where your heart is. A rule. The first rule. He had broken it and now it had broken him. Wouldn’t have broken him if the boys had won the match. Might not even have broken him if they had looked like losing the match from the outset, but instead he’d been lured into believing for the better part of the ninety minutes that he was going to win a sizable sum and that he’d still be following a Premier League side next season. Hope had lifted him just high enough that the fall was hard and swift, descending his dreams into a nightmare.

He made his way down the steps, alone in not taking the escalator.   His eyes, red from beer and crying, stared at nothingness. How could they not? How could he not be seeing things from an hour ago.

Fate had been in their own hands. All they had to do was get past Wigan, the only team in the league they were odds-on favourites to beat. Then, no other result would matter. Everyone could breathe again and forget about this dire relegation business until maybe this time the next year or — Henry had thought as they had gone into halftime two-nil up — even longer. When Wigan had suddenly worked their way back into the game, had come from behind with that inevitability written all about them, so much had come crashing down on Henry all at once.

What was worse? That he’d lost the money that he’d borrowed from Jack — a friend who needed it just as badly as he did? That Jack’s wife wouldn’t be able to visit her sick mother now? That he was a fool and a monster for having done this, for having gone against his better judgement and following his heart for one stupid moment? Or was it worse that his beloved childhood club had lost their place in top-flight football? How many years of history, how many years of struggle, all to be undone in ten minutes? The last ten minutes of a match, of a season. The last ten minutes of over a decade in the top flight. How many others who hadn’t bet on the game had still cried alongside Henry?

As he approached the platform, anyone waiting in the continually growing crowd who had seen his face might have already thought him to be a ghost.

He worked his way forward between the persons around him until he was looking down at the tracks. He thought about the finality of his mistake and the mistakes that had happened on the field. Not at all like getting on the wrong train. In that case, one could always hop on another going the opposite way upon arriving at the next stop. No, this was more like jumping in front of one.

For a moment, everything slowed as he dwelt on that thought.

A dangerous thought. Realising how close he was to the edge, he tried to back away, but came up against someone in the quickly filling space behind him.

He was definitely blowing things out of proportion. Perhaps that was the beer talking to him. Alcohol was a depressant after all. Yes, this was just a minor setback. Every club went through its ups and downs, and so too did each person. They’d be back in the Premier League before long, and he would earn back the money soon enough. This was just a part of the game. The fact that you could lose sometimes was what made it beautiful.

He began to smile as he thought about how football could shed so much light on matters of life. Only crazy people jumped in front of trains. Being relegated, being set back financially, weren’t final at all. They were like missing a train: you just waited for the next one.

Underground LogoBack in the tight mass of people was a man who wore an expensive suit and a sour expression on his face. Impatient, he stepped forward just as the front of the train became visible in the tunnel. He stepped a little further than he meant to and bumped the woman standing in front of him very lightly. Being the size he was, even this slight contact caused her to step forward to keep her balance. With a ripple effect the crowd surged forward half a step. There was a thud audible over the sound of the train’s brakes as it rushed by, and there was a sudden commotion at the front of the crowd.

The following appeared in a local paper the next day:

Henry Palmer, 42 years old, jumped in front of a train after losing a significant bet on yesterday’s Premier League relegation battle. Alcohol may have been a factor.

Thomas Ang is a kindred spirit to strange bOUnce, whose fictional sportswriting and blogging can be found at RoaroftheFaithful.com

Team Supreme

February 9, 2012

by Roge Slater

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. We’re so glad you could attend, come inside! Come inside! There behind a glass is a real blade of grass, please be careful as you pass. Move along! Move along!

The sound was engulfing, returning us to a scene of past glories. The Nineteen Seventies coming alive again with the return of the arena rock gods. All projected images, of course; Emerson Lake & Palmer have been dead for years. That’s got to be the epitome of progressive rock though; wasn’t it supposedly before it’s time?

Perhaps we were, too.

The biologicals said we were, anyway, when we achieved that record-breaking perfect season. Thirty-eight league games and twenty-three Cup ties, every single one a victory. Not a point dropped, and at a hundred thirty-eight to fifty-one, nearly three to one scored on average. Man-robots, they called us, just because we’d been engineered to be the best.

They actually said a lot worse, too: that we weren’t “real people”, and that we had taken all of the competition out of the sport, having being manufactured. We were even mentioned in the same breath — but with far more disdain — as the drug-fuelled Eastern Bloc who ruled the Olympics during the same era ELP were changing the face of music.

Genetically modified with the turn of pace of sprinters, the agility of acrobats, the balance of gymnasts and the speed of thought to go with it, there is no doubt we were bred to be unbeatable — and we were just that. Every sinew tightened, every muscle strengthened.

But we were still human. Perfect humans for the job at hand, no question, but we were still humans.

We weren’t the first of our kind, however.

It started in the Nineteen Nineties with tomatoes, potatoes, wheat, barley and such. Genetically modified to build disease resistance and to increase productivity, and supposedly to help feed the starving masses across the world. On the other hand, the radicals said it was directly linked to profit-hungry chemical conglomerates that were controlling science research dollars.

Then there was Dolly the Sheep, cloned from a single cell. She was certainly famous for her full fifteen minutes, but sadly, her life was not much longer.

Nevertheless, every failure was seen as progress. Experiments continued, regardless of public outcry growing almost by the day. The effects of engineered vegetables on the food chain, the capability of Dolly and her test tube descendants, the ethical issues surrounding stem cell research, ad infinitum — each and everyone becoming a tabloid headline. Flawed as it all might be, the science had been proven to work, and have potential. Thus the funding remained in place.

When the clamour became too loud to be ignored, the research was driven underground. Hidden from the light of day, even more audacious and seemingly pointless tests were undertaken. New species were created and Nature’s designs altered almost beyond recognition, all under a cloak of secrecy. It took tomatoes the size of footballs, creatures far more abnormal and helpless than Dolly, and plenty more that’s better glossed over, before the curtain was thrown back, and this hidden science was again shown in its full light.

With the western world suffering a double — if not triple — dip recession, and the UK putting on a dismal performance in the 2012 Olympics, Downing Street felt the need to recover our status as a superior nation, at the same time hoping to engender support from the populous.

War was out of the question. The last two had been so unpopular, and to be honest, expensive, nor was there much appetite to take the lead in the now limited space race. Industry had been overrun by the Chinese; the Indians were making great inroads in technology; even basic construction now required knowledge of at least one Eastern European language. In each case, the sheer mass of the respective populations provided a work-force that, especially at such low cost, could never be equaled in the West.

But, there was still science.

More accurately, Sport Science. Our once-great nation still possessed the basic resource in athletes, and the technology to develop those resources by selective breeding and cell modification. Here was an opportunity to put the nation back on top of the world, and, in doing so, engender massive support from the public. Just imagine, England’s footballers finally winning the World Cup again, while the cricketers retain The Ashes and the rugby players triumph in a Six Nations Grand Slam; The London Monarchs perhaps even winning a real ‘World’ American Football Superbowl.

The possibilities were endless. So, under the guise of the Sports Development College, a breeding program began.

double helix strange bounce

Every sport was dissected to determine the requirements to dominate it, and how to most effectively achieve the goal. Athletes young and old were selected for the program. Sadly for most of them, breeding wasn’t conducted in the traditional method. Not that they had been apprised of the Sporting College’s true curriculum, to begin with. Everything was very much hands off, with nothing more than ‘samples’ being required.

A scientific research program was laid out to hone new training methods and new diets for top class sportsmen and women. Athletes, sports stars and anyone who had a useful characteristic, was invited to join the program. Rather than turning in homework, it was samples of skin, cells from the spinal cord, and eggs or sperm, for fertilisation which were due. Analysis was extensive, with every subject effectively reverse-engineered. The nearest the process came to the chaos and unpredictability of lovemaking was when test tubes were placed in the centrifuge to separate the wheat from the chaff, as it were. Once identified, samples with high potential were mixed and stored in controlled conditions to best ensure fertilization.

After a short gestation period, stem cells were extracted, then either developed as separate entities or implanted into still growing samples. Clinically, the selection process — or more predominantly, the rejection process — continued.

Finally, just two days short of what would have been Dolly’s twentieth birthday, the first embryos were allowed to fully develop. Born of science; the (quite literally) Pyrex Babies were nurtured in it, as well. The Training Program had begun.

The early days showed great promise, but there were many failures: deformities, short-lived children, and others that proved uncontrollable and — shall we say — were quietly ‘removed’ from the program. More still developed into their teens, but were unable to fulfill expectations. Much as with the uncontrollables, that was the end for them, as secrecy was paramount to success.

Unaware of the full scope of the failure, the western world watched as the last vestige of the former Empire slowly imploded. The realisation that they were no longer leaders in any field hit home with increasing regularity as sporting honours continued to elude the best that the nation could offer.

double helix strange bounce

Some ten years after the program started, I was selected — though more truthfully I wasn’t de-selected — and was permitted to come into existence, though I could not fathom my good fortune at the time. We were allowed no memories of our early lives. All I can offer you is research data discovered much later in my life. From my first breath, and certainly by the time I was conscious of my own thoughts, the training program had already been initiated.

One of many, I was placed on a controlled diet from birth, my genetic structure pre-determined, height, weight, physical prowess, etcetera, already designated. Even such irrelevancies as hair and eye colour were not left to chance.

Before I had the cognitive and motor skills to do so myself, I was well exercised. Carefully placed into walkers and stretchers, my body was manipulated and toned as soon as its muscles showed form. It was all gentle in the beginning. Then, as I have seen with my potential successors, when I grew, the rigor of the training progressed, always keeping just ahead of my capabilities. Every focus of my being was on the training. When necessary, thought programming erased any useless clutter from my memory bank.

As I approached my teens, an element of active training was introduced, focusing on my pre-targeted sport. Upon reaching puberty, that development, for me, increased to include theoretical and practical study of tactics, set pieces and, most importantly, my first competitive outings, which would determine if my selection had been the proper choice. From this point forward, I became we, as I was trained and programmed to think collectively, for the betterment of the team.

Junior challenges with biological opponents were soon supplemented by secret competitions against other specially bred teams — some younger, some older, to allow our coaches and directors to determine our precise capabilities.

We passed every test, rising through and above ‘age group’ competition quickly. In short order, we took our places, as an eleven, in the Premier League, transferring in en masse to replace ageing and inferior biologicals.

For all the planning and secrecy which had led to this moment, the last step proved rash and ill-considered. In our first year, we were unstoppable, sweeping away every opponent. It all seemed to good to be true, and proved our downfall.

We had come from nowhere and been immediately invincible. Questions were asked. From where had we come? How was it that we arrived all at once, and together? Why had no one been aware of our development until it had been fulfilled?

The media shifted its focus from our incredible triumphs to the one flaw in the program; its Achilles heel. The one thing we needed for it all to come off hadn’t been given us. Instead it had been taken away. All anyone wanted to know was why none of us had a past.

double helix strange bounce

It all came apart just as the final piece fell into place. Everyone wants to know the secret of invincibility, and every outlet had reporters digging deep to get the scoop. But no-one could trace any history of our birth, or childhoods whatsoever. It was no wonder, after all, as we had neither. Suspicion brought rumour, and rumour demanded truth. In the end, a disaffected scientist sold his secrets and ‘eased his conscience”. When his face appeared on the front pages of every tabloid, the whistle was blown on our careers.

All we had accomplished was immediately wiped from the records. The entire program was uncovered, with executives, directors and scientists all trying to deny their way out of jail. Funding ceased, the program was terminated, and we, who had been guided through every step of our existence, were suddenly left on our own.

We were outlawed from every league and every game, both as a team and individuals. Even television rejected us, as it was ‘better for the game’ to continue without us. Now that they knew of us, they wished they hadn’t, and attempted to obliterate any trace of our existence. We were left to try to fit into a normal society, one of which we had never been a part and could not understand.

I was one of a lucky two or three. We had not been stars of the team, and our lower profile benefitted us. Our knowledge of the program became an asset which garnered employment in as coaches and nutritionists. Like many biologicals, we took up the trade of our ‘fathers’, albeit attempting to create the perfect player from imperfect materials. None of our students had our genetic perfection, each limited in their abilities and will as biologicals. Shunned at first, our struggle against that rejection, and to fit into an alien society, began to be seen as an inspiration. We had been created to be superhuman, derided as inhuman, and finally accepted as human interest.

Many of our former teammates were less fortunate. Those who had been at the forefront of the adulation and honour, who had risen to unrivaled heights like Icarus reaching for the sun, were destroyed when the program came to light. Utterly unable to cope with the massive fall from grace, some took their lives. The rest chose to live apart, outcasts from society.

Those of us who found our way never forgot our brethren. As our lot improved, we reached out to them, hoping to show them there is hope for a life, of a kind. Some have returned to us, enough that we can take the next step. We will re-enter the competitive arena.

Of course, we will never be permitted to compete as equals, but, like basketball’s Harlem Globetrotters, we will be an exhibition team, ready to embark on tour, playing all comers in an everlasting series of challenges. Despite the passing of time and the less than perfect environment in which we now find ourselves, our heightened abilities remain, but the game and our part in it is now considered ‘safe’, a distant memory and cautionary tale, which the public can digest. They will be allowed once again to see — and hopefully appreciate — the skills and abilities bred into us, protected by the knowledge, that like the Trotters before us, our feats are staged, and, in the athletic sense, we are not real.

For us, however, it is very real. As I walk into the arena, part of a team again. I revel in the anticipation in the faces, and the noise of the crowd around us. Perhaps this is the end that justifies the means

Come inside! Come inside! The show’s about to start, guaranteed to blow your head apart! Rest assured you’ll get your money’s worth — the greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth. You’ve got to see the show, it’s a real dynamo. You’ve got to see the show…

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Team Supreme by Roge Slater is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

January 2, 2012

by Roge Slater

It was like a scene from one of those old black and white gangster movies: a dark room, deep in the bowels of the edifice. Few had the privilege of direct access without an invitation into the heart of the empire. Fewer still felt privileged when leaving; lighter in spirit, or pocket, or both, after transgressing the regime’s strict rules.

With no windows and a single weak bulb hanging shadeless from a cord in the centre of the ceiling, it was gloomy at best. Above the light whirred a four-bladed fan, though its languid swirling did little to disturb the dust on the lamp, let alone circulate the fug of the afternoon around the room.

On the desk, a cigarette butt smoldered away, rested on a saucer. The matching cup was long gone, shattered into pieces against the far wall, evidenced by a faint splattering of coffee droplets and a lone piece of china protruding from the soft, yellowing plaster.

There were pages and scraps of paper torn away from a notebook randomly covering the desk. Torn and discarded, as though plans had been drawn and redrawn but now were in complete disarray. Their owner was hidden deep in the shadows of the room, shielded from the despair of the day by the high-backed padded chair. His right hand rested on the worn leather, slowly rotating a pencil between rough, nicotine-stained fingers.

There was a sharp crack — like a gunshot — as the pencil snapped. It was an almost involuntary reaction to the frustration, anger and tension that electrified the atmosphere. Immediately the two halves were discarded, thrown to one side where they joined a growing pile, ready as if to be used as kindling for some future fire. The hand stretched out and took another from the drawer. Unconsciously tapped twice on the desk, the new pencil was soon being slowly rotated like its predecessor.

On the right of the desk was an opened bottle of wine — a 1957 Nervi Gattinara — a great vintage red from Piedmont, aged in wood. The cork, discolored from the wine at one end, was discarded to the side, and a single lead crystal broad bowl glass stood half empty nearby, the stem and bowl unmarked. The contents were perfectly still. A fleck or two of dust had settled on the surface of the deep red liquid to tell it had been untouched for hours, perhaps left as though the first mouthful had added to a bad taste in the mouth, rather than bringing forth the richness and depth of the fruit and the complex tar and tannin mix of the vintage.

In the background, a radio played. Poorly tuned, the voice was indistinct. It was difficult to make out any of the words, though the occasional yelp of excitement at least gave a change in tone before the hiatus subdued and the general drone returned.

Slow, deliberate breathing was the only other sound in the room, regular and keeping time with the movement of the second hand on the wall clock. It was almost too dark to make out the time.

Occasionally the stillness was disturbed by a light throat-clearing cough and a faint whirring sound, almost as if there was an echo of a hairdryer churning away outside. Neither sound disturbed the rotation of the pencil. The perpetrator was deep in thought, churning over and over some mystical gargantuan problem, looking for the solution and perhaps a ray of light in the gloom.

Timid footsteps sounded from the corridor outside, the sound mixing seamlessly with the chink of light creeping fearfully under the closed door. The light streaked across the carpeted floor but faded before reaching the desk, insufficient to cast another shadow into the mixture of blacks and greys. After an abeyance, just as fearfully the footsteps receded, replaced by the monotone rhythmic breathing and a crackle of French music amongst the semi-audible commentary from the airwaves.

Still spinning, the pencil paused as the voices on the radio raised to a new high. Suddenly the fingers clenched in hope, but after a second or two the moment passed, the radio returned to the laboured, tedious delivery of most of the previous hour and a half, and the hand fell to the desk. Then it slowly raised itself, as if carrying the weight of the world, before the pencil again began to spin between the second, third and fourth fingers of the aged but pliable hand. Time wove its silent path to conclusion, the seconds passing faster and faster to the inevitable end.

The pencil maintained its synchronous movement with the second hand while the fan drifted on laboriously, still failing miserable in its task to lighten the atmosphere. Even now, it seemed that dust was starting to settle on the blades as they fought their way through the dense aura.

The breathing was still deep and precise. Then the radio peaked again, and there was a sharp intake of breathe, then a pause. Ears strained, tuning themselves to the fuzz of the out of tune signal, filtering out even the merest though of any other sound while searching for the confirmation of a moment just passed. There it was again. One excited, extended but distinct word: “Goooooaaaaaaaal”, followed by the confirmation that Ji Dong-Won had scored for Sunderland.

There was an outpouring of relief, and as if by magic, the light under the door suddenly shone brighter. In the corridor there was the sound of footsteps running, and in the distance a cheer. The hand stopped rotating the pencil and the fist clenched, this time banging on the desk. The pencil shattered and the wine glass rattled into the bottle, the reverberation enough to force the cork to roll onto the floor.

There was a single word –- “Yes” –- uttered with such a relief of tension and pressure it seemed almost venomous. Sir Alex stood, emptied the glass and strode forcefully across his office, recharged and ready to face another day, another step, another year, another battle in the challenge to repeat Premier League success, safe in the knowledge that the blue noses had lost.

Game On.

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The Light at The End of The Tunnel by Roger Slater is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

A Visit From Saint David (Beckham)?

December 24, 2011

by Martin Palazzotto

‘Twas the night before Christmas; all tickets were sold
For Elland and Loftus and old Vicarage Road.
The press rooms were wired and ready to air
In hopes that King Kenny might break down and swear.

The Reds were nestled so snug in their suites,
All happy and eager, except for Luis.
His reputation sullied, mood turned to black;
Eight games he must sit for racial attack.

And over in Paris, there arose such a ruckus,
Cried PSG coaches, “They’re going to f— us!”
Qataris forsaking wisdom for cash,
In Kombouaré, not seeing a name with panache

To Castile, whose white knights again were run through,
As Pep and his mob rocked the Bernabeu.
And thus did the Special One’s ire provoke,
Though there was no eye to hand, so lovely to poke.

Looking to FIFA, excuses were tired, retread and lame,
But spouting them freely, Old Sepp stayed the same.
Louder than wolves, how his critics they howl,
While he lies, and dissembles, and at the British does scowl!

“Poor losers! Abusers! Disillusioned and vain!
From Triesman to Coe, Not a one has a brain!”
Thus, to the edge of the desert and the land of the Steppes
The hosting’s been given, and the rest have all wept.

Like piss in the wind and pie in the sky,
The bitching and moaning, and crying, “Oh Why?”,
Has left the Brits and the Yanks all feeling blue,
Predicting heat stroke,  no-shows, and race riots, too.

And then, in a sound bite, it all comes to a head
and no-one believes what the Swiss boss has said.
Should f-word or n-word, or more dire be heard,
Just proffer a hand and it never occurred.

Now then at Christmas, while the remainder do sit,
The Prem and Championship increase their remit
Suarez and Terry likely both will appeal,
And wounds slashed wide open may never quite heal.

But Rio will Tweet! and Anton won’t matter,
Fergie will grumble; and Keane-o will chatter.
His droll little mouth runs on and how,
Happy as ever to cause a big row.

Yet, not far away, just a hop, skip and jump,
The disagreement at City is the one which holds trump.
Tevez’ work rate, his untiring hustle,
Give no carte blanche for a manager’s tussle

Though Anzhi, Milan and Paris beckon and call,
His pride has left him no ground to give all.
Therefore, Manchester Town a hero now needs,
Be it City or United whose colours he bleeds.

Over land and cross sea, in a Lear Jet will he ride,
Posh wife and fair children close by his side?
Title now won as was the design;
A new challenge, not money, for that he will sign

The time draws near when the window yawns wide,
and Sir Fergie might choose to add to his side.
Becks is old and he’s slow, lacking all pace,
But his touch is still there, and evergreen grace.

So, he smiles on camera and gives us his plea,
It’s been a long time, but United needs me.
Carrington’s halls echo empty, with no-one to deck them
A leader is needed… so why not sign Beckham?

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A Visit From Saint David (Beckham)? by Martin Palazzotto is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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