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Anfield Anonymous
February 16, 2012
— 2 Comments
By Carl Mungazi
The lighting in the bar of an exclusive, discreet Liverpool hotel casts a shadow that hangs menacingly over one corner of the room. Two Englishmen share a drink, seeking seclusion in that darkness. Hidden away from prying eyes, they lean back in their seats, sipping occasionally and watching other guests enjoy their dinner. Their waitress, long-legged and elegant, brings them another round. They pretend to ignore her, only stealing a glance when she walks away.
“Is this what it’s come to, then?” The smaller of the two men sips his drink. “Hiding out in hotel bars?”
“We’re not hiding. It’s just nice and quiet here.” The larger man’s gaze lingers on the departed waitress. Tilting his head back, he shakes his pony-tail.
“Well, we really can’t go anywhere else,” comes the bitter reply.
“I’m tired of it all.” Ponytail takes a long swig of his drink. “ I could have been a king on Tyneside but I decided to risk it and move here because that’s what big players do. I never asked to be bought for £35m, in any case. You had it easy in the Midlands.”
“Take it easy, you don’t want to get drunk do you?” His companion was becoming alarmed. “ The boss will kill you.”
“To hell with him. I’m my own man.”
“Yes, a man under contract. You know what will happen if you’re caught drunk again.”
Ponytail looks away, muttering under his breath, then reluctantly puts down the glass. It’s almost empty, anyway. At the bar their waitress has been sizing them up. A colleague joins her and the two whisper, cast mischievous glances in the men’s direction, and lapse into fits of giggles.
“Oh great, we’ve been spotted,” the smaller fellow groans. “ They’ll be bringing out their cameras next. “
Ponytail chuckles. “I heard that’s how they found you — some YouTube clip with you kicking balls into a bin?”
“I know, it’s embarrassing. The whole thing was choreographed. You’d have thought that Damien fella would have caught on before he went for me; even Becks did one on the beach and it looked dodgy.”
“Yeah but he’s a legend. You…you’re just alright.” Ponytail’s eyes bore through the table, in the direction of his mate’s moderately famous left foot.
His friend snaps back. “I’m more than alright.”
“Come on, you know what people say. Your service is so poor, you couldn’t deliver a pizza.” The pony-tailed man grins widely.
“Ha. Ha.” The smaller man isn’t smiling, attempting to hide his annoyance behind his pint glass. “And your forward play has the penetration of a eunuch.”
The second waitress approaches the table, not as pretty as her friend, but more curvaceous. Ponytail is instantly on alert. He fetches a chair from a nearby empty table.
But Pizza Boy is having none of it. “Two more please, and ten shots of that stuff there.” He points to a brightly coloured bottle on the highest shelf behind the bar.
“What are you doing, mate? I wanted her to sit down.”
“She’s supposed to be working.”
“So?”
“We should let her work.”
“She can work here.”
“No. She can work over there.”
“Do you know what your problem is?”
“No.”
“You’re scared. You lack confidence and you go missing in big moments. Sunday was a prime example. I ran all afternoon but no delivery came. ”
“And when it did come you fluffed it as usual. So we’re even.”
“This isn’t a competition.” Ponytail shakes his head, then decides to try a new tack. “Why did you order ten shots, anyway?”
“Because I’m being adventurous. You just said that’s what’s missing from my game, and the boss agrees. I’ve got to start somewhere.”
“He also said we said we should improve our chemistry.”
“Why? I don’t want to date you.”
“No, but she might,” Ponytail nods. The voluptuous waitress returns with their drinks. Collecting the empties, she winks at Ponytail and saunters off, her hips swaying with every step.
“I reckon I’m in there.”
Pizza Boy snorts. “Whatever. Now come on, five shots each. Drink up.”
The pair down the shots quickly, Pizza Boy’s inexperience showing as he coughs and sputters his way through the five glasses. “Come on, then.” Using the seat rests to support himself, he rises slowly. “Let’s get us some girls.”
Ponytail leaps to his feet at the invitation and the duo set off in the direction of the waitresses. The foursome spend a moment chatting before the girls excitedly shed their aprons and split to fetch their belongings.
As they slip out of sight, Ponytail punches his tipsy friend playfully in the arm. “Who knew you had it in you? You sly dog!”
Standing in silence at the door to the lobby, they watch a group of revellers come out of the lift, shouting and jostling as they stagger through the foyer.
“Do people really say that about me?”
“Huh?”
“The stuff about my pizza delivery service.”
“Oh, I made that up.”
“Bastard.”
The pony-tailed man shrugs and scans the room. He’s tired of waiting.
“I’m going.”
“What about the girls?”
“What about them?”
Both men step out into the cold, crisp, night air, searching for a taxi. Pizza Boy waves one over, and when it pulls to the curb, opens the door with a magnanimous gesture. Ponytail hesitates, cocking his head quizzically at his companion.
“Is my forward play really that bad?”
A Pint Between Reds by Carl Mungazi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Craft Your Own Carroll
February 13, 2012
by Jude Ellery
Hullo! Welcome back. How did you get on with the Mario doll, last time? Good, I hope.
This week I’ll be teaching you how to make another Premier League star: none other than Liverpool’s new Fernando Torres, Andy Carroll!
Now, before I start, I’ve been told by the producers to stress that, while the materials we’re using here are very expensive, you can create exactly the same effect with much cheaper ones. Maybe you can even pick them up for free, if you look in the right places.
So, here’s the checklist, it should be on your screen now. Is it up there? Can you see it? It’s… yes, there we go:
- Balloon
Newspaper- Gold and silver leaf (or spray paints)
- Marker pen
- 2 Black shoelaces
- Sticky back plastic
- PVA glue
- Red, blue and yellow felt tips
- A4 card
- Elastic
- 5 LARGE pipe cleaners
That’s one I made earlier. What a giant, eh?
So, how do you make yours? Simple.
First, the head. Now, we’re a tad tight for time, so if you saw last week’s episode, make the head in the identical way, blowing up the balloon and covering it with papier mache, then using a marker pen for the details. If you didn’t you can look up the instructions on our Ceefax page: Build Your Own Balotelli.
I’m going for the vacant look for my facial details: nice, thick eyebrows, droopy eyelids and a wide grin. You could also go for stressed, irritated or frustrated. Just don’t forget those nice heavy bags under his eyes!
Now to apply the gold leaf to the head — or spray paint, if you’re using the cheaper, quicker, more sensible option. Carefully peel and attach, or spray, till the head is completely golden. Doesn’t he look like a beautiful fallen star?
For the hair, take your shoelaces — worn out tatty ones that aren’t any good now, preferably — and chop them into strips, each roughly 5cm long. Now, glue them onto the head and either let them dangle if you’re going for Glamour Carroll, like me, or tie them back in a droopy pony tail for Sophisticated Caroll.
The target is a lovely finishing touch to the head. It looks impressive but is actually easy peasy. Just take your A4 card and use a compass — or draw round a bowl — to make a perfect circle, and cut it out… There, done. Then, colour it with red, blue and yellow rings. Now, cut two holes in the edge, like this, look… and tie the elastic on, making sure it fits snugly on Carroll’s head. Adam and Downing will be able be able to find him from miles away, now!
Again, the body is exactly the same as the Balotelli body, and instructions are on the Ceefax page. Use bigger pipe cleaners this time though, we need a nice large body. Your t-shirt slogan can be anything you like, something to sum up your Carroll. I’m going for… umm… “The False Nine.”
Attach your head the same way as last time, too, using sticky back plastic. This one should just about stand up, though be careful you don’t bump him or he’ll go head over heels and might end up getting damaged.
For the boots, we want some nice Dr Marten style thumpers, so we’ll use the offcuts of the card. For the steel toecaps, use your silver leaf or cheap spray paint, and… there you have it, some heavy duty clompers! He’ll be able to give it an almighty whack with them.
Did I mention, the man himself will be joining us next week, to run through some Association Football training drills? We’re so very lucky to have him, I’ve heard rumours he’s going to teach me his famous ‘trick trap’ skill, where the defender thinks he’s going to control it, but the ball actually bounces off his shins and back to the player who passed it to him. It’s quite something when you see it in action, no-one does it quite like him.
Until then, goodbye, and good crafting!
Craft Your Own Carroll by Jude Ellery is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License
‘Green Peter’ theme courtesy of strange bOunce music mangler James Lee
UEFA New Year’s Irresolutions: What Will Almost Certainly Not Happen in Football in 2012
January 9, 2012
by Emelie Okeke
JANUARY
In a desperate attempt to curry favour with his club’s owners and to escape the wrath of the vehement Ewood Park home ‘support’, Steve Kean reaches an agreement with the Premier League and Venky’s to play the remainder of Blackburn Rovers’ home games this season at the Wankede Cricket Stadium in Mumbai. In their first game in the club’s new surroundings, Blackburn lose to Fulham by an innings and 26 runs. A defiant Kean claims after the match that Rovers played in a style worthy of the name of this great stadium.
“Yeah, by playing absolute wank,” chimes in a nearby journalist.
FEBRUARY
Manchester United make their long-awaited debut in the Europa League, away to Ajax. Despite the widespread criticism of the tournament’s format and credibility, United manager Sir Alex Ferguson maintains the club will take their involvement in UEFA’s second competition very seriously.
“We want to win it,” he proclaims as the teams run out on the pitch, with United boasting seven players from their under-14 squad and a strike partnership of Brian McClair and Sir Bobby Charlton. Channel 5 broadcast proceedings live from Amsterdam, with commentator Stan Collymore enthusiastically poring over the action in his Tactics Truck situated in a nearby car park.
Sensibly, Wayne Rooney is kept away from the Red Light District. And female-only senior persons’ homes.
MARCH
After successive, damaging defeats to Napoli, Manchester City and Tottenham, Andre Villas-Boas is unceremoniously sacked by Chelsea. In a short statement issued in the aftermath of the dismissal, Roman Abramovich expresses his regret, then confirms the details of Villas-Boas’ “modest” severance package: £17million, multiple share options, five yachts, and the Maldives.
The young Portuguese coach departs Stamford Bridge denying claims that he was not mature or experienced enough to stand up to the big characters in the Chelsea dressing room — but immediately spends half his severance money on Vimto and Wham bars, while texting his dad to help him shift the yacht, so he can get home quickly for a mega Championship Manager sesh.
APRIL
Manchester City wrap up the title with a typically emphatic 8-0 victory over Wolverhampton Wanderers. Mario Ballotelli has a quiet game, scoring four goals in the first 10 minutes, before being sent off for round-housing a mascot (Wolfie the Wolf), whose only offense is sporting the same haircut as the young Italian. Balotelli is then spotted in the Molineux Main Stand during the second half, distributing 5,000 chicken balti pies amongst supporters, the resultant case of mass indigestion sparking an epic pitch invasion at the final whistle.
Upon receiving a six-month suspension from the FA, Ballotelli’s appeal consists of only three words: “Why Always Me?” The FA respond by extending his ban by another month.
MAY
Real Madrid defeat Barcelona 5-4 in one of the greatest Champions League finals of all time, at the Allianz Arena in Munich. Departing manager Jose Mourinho denies any foul play on his part, dismissing claims that he needs ‘dirty tricks’ to defeat the Castilians’ great rivals. UEFA, however, announce an investigation into Real’s fourth goal — scored from a Cristiano Ronaldo free kick, wherein Barcelona’s keeper Victor Valdes appears to be shot by a firearm.
“A bullet was found in Valdes’s midriff etched with the initials J.M.,” a UEFA spokesman confirms.
Meanwhile, as Euro 2012 comes to the forefront of the minds of fans and players alike, Real’s German international players, Mesut Özil and Sami Khedira, deny setting out to deliberately injure Barca’s Spanish contingent with a string of highly dangerous tackles. Still, accounts of Xavi, Andres Iniesta and Sergio Busquets, all seriously injured, being driven aimlessly around the streets of Munich for hours, with the ambulance drivers maniacally singing the German national anthem, suggest that UEFA might launch another investigation.
JUNE
Eyebrows are raised by Fabio Capello’s squad selections for England’s forthcoming European Championship finals campaign. “You want-a youth, I want-a experience, we both-a happy!” Capello defiantly declares as he picks Brooklyn Beckham, Tom Daley and the kid from the John Lewis Christmas adverts, to provide “fresh impetus” into the squad, alongside “experienced heads” Jimmy Greaves and Peter Shilton. As well, he announces Papa from the Dolmio adverts as his new Assistant Manager. England are eliminated at the quarter-finals stage, losing 3-0 to Italy. It is to be Capello’s final game as boss of the Three Lions although footage of ‘Don Fabio’ high-fiving Papa Dolmio as Italy’s third goal goes in, as well as reportedly enjoying a post-match bunga bunga party in the victorious Italian dressing room, leave more than a smidgen of doubt into where his allegiances really lay.
JULY
Germany win the European Championship for a record fourth time, defeating a surprisingly depleted Spanish side 3-1 with an excellent display of attacking verve. Mesut Özil does not succeed in deflecting the pressure surrounding the ongoing Champions League final investigation, delivering a cryptic message during his post-match interview on German television: “My undying thanks to the Munich ambulance drivers. You can pick up your envelopes at the party!”
AUGUST
English Champions Manchester City conclude their summer spending in typically reserved fashion, splashing out £100 million to buy Blackburn Rovers. Manager Roberto Mancini insists the deal is good value for money, and that all of Rovers current staff and facilities will be utilised.
“It’s a good deal — Ewood Park will be our new training ground, Steve Kean takes on an even more challenging position than his last, as Mario Balotelli’s anger management coach. Also, I am happy to say that I now have at my disposal three full teams capable of challenging for trophies — plus the current Blackburn squad — and the buy-out includes Rovers’ history, too.”
The last, somewhat controversial clause is confirmed by a new plaque unveiled at the start of the season, inscribed “Welcome to the Etihad — home of Manchester City Rovers, Premier League champions 1995 & 2012.” Rumours of City Rovers naming a stand after Graeme Le Saux prove unfounded and Mancini remains defiant in the face of the subsequent outrage.
“What do you think, we have more money than sense?!” Mancini chuckles, as he refutes the rumour during a press conference unveiling the signing of Michael Owen from rivals Manchester United for £20million. “Besides, it’s not like it’s the most money we’ve ever spent. We did invest £130 million in seven vials of Lionel Messi’s sperm for our new youth project.”
SEPTEMBER
Jose Mourinho makes his long-awaited return to Chelsea, replacing interim coach Guus Hiddink on a long-term contract.
“I wanted a contract duration that suited both my long-term ambitions and symbolised my relationship with the very patient Mr. Abramovich,” Mourinho insisted, as he put pen to paper on a three-week tenure, with a clause stating that first class air tickets to Manchester be purchased immediately if “so as much as a sneeze” is heard from Sir Alex’s dugout.
Mourinho finds it difficult to find believers willing to accept his claims that he is less egotistical nowadays, especially after arriving at Stamford Bridge for Chelsea’s opening game parading down Kings Road in a giant white chariot, with each of his three Champions League winners’ medals adorning a separate FHM High Street Honey — one blonde, one brunette and one redhead.
OCTOBER
Despite Arsenal falling 15 points off the pace after just 10 games, Arsene Wenger remains adamant that he will not yield in pursuing his club’s evidently flawed transfer policy.
“We will only make value signings,” he vows in a press conference, where he denies claims that he threatened to give Thierry Henry back to the New York Red Bulls “piece by piece” if they did not stop making daily calls enquiring on his return.
“Probably, we should have not kept him past March. Or April. Or May. Or against his will,” Wenger admits. Now, after having made short-term moves for previous playing legends Sol Campbell, Jens Lehmann and Henry, Wenger remains coy on rumours that Igors Stepanovs is his next target for a temporary mid-season spell at the Emirates.
NOVEMBER
Harry Redknapp enjoys a golden honeymoon period at the outset of his reign as England manager, winning all of his first four World Cup qualifiers. His task is made somewhat more arduous, however, as he is no longer able to call on the services of captain Steven Gerrard, nor regular squad members Glen Johnson, Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson. Fueled by increasingly strained relations with English football’s governing body, Liverpool FC dramatically withdraw from their affiliation with the FA.
Embittered Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish confirms, “We have had enough of being victimised. Its always big old FA picking on little old Liverpool. There’s been the Suarez affair, refs picking on poor shy Bellamy, and the final straw was today, when Fergie cheated at Kerplunk at the managers’ summit and no-one told him off!
“With our 40,000-capacity stadium and countless trophies, I’m sure we can find a new league to accommodate us.
“What? No, it doesn’t matter that the hardware is mostly from before 1990, or that we haven’t played post-Christmas European football for quite a while now.”
At month’s end, Liverpool proudly join the SPL, but do attempt to leave the door open for a return by offering Andy Carroll back to the FA and Harry Redknapp’s England set-up. Redknapp says, “Thanks, but I’ll scrape by somehow.”
DECEMBER
The year closes with Mario Balotelli returning from his seven-month ban just as City Rovers open up a 20-point lead at the top of the Premier League. Balotelli gets into the spirit of the season by doing a lap of honour dressed as Santa Claus, whilst spraying the contents of a Lucozade sports bottle clearly marked “FOR SPECIAL USE ONLY” into the adoring City Rovers crowd, who lap up every drop.
At exactly the same time, Roberto Mancini bursts into the home dressing room, frantically asking, “Has anyone seen Messi’s semen?”
UEFA’s New Year’s Irresolutions – What Will Almost Certainly Not Happen In 2012 by Emelie Okeke is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at strangebounce.com.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://strangebounce.com/2012/01/13/the-great-spl-brainstorm/.
The Legend Of Nando and Carroll
December 29, 2011
by Emelie Okeke
Window’s ajar, rumours swamping the press,
Agents abound, they flog their pound of flesh.
From guarded boardrooms do chequebooks appear,
Threats of P45s fuel coaches’ fears.
Millennium’s twelfth year, the first month’s end,
Fallen giants with designs to pretend.
Once-proud liver birds with little to sing,
Hope rekindled with return of the King.
The Kop’s poster-boy of a previous reign
Has lost his lustre for club and for Spain.
Still, past exploits guarantee a suitor:
Interest from an Italian tutor.
Ere contracts could even be ink-embossed
Tough terms were imposed on the Russian boss:
Serious money would have to change hands,
But the Blues did not quake at Red demands.
Whilst trophies were laden the past two years,
(Cup, League and Shield caused Mancunian tears)
Half way table a truly sorry sight,
Champions flounder, with rivals in full flight.
February entered its first vestige,
Saw a deal struck of premium prestige.
Young matador adorns the shirt Number Nine,
A larger fee no-one had ever signed.
Their idol departed, roster not set
The Yanks had to purchase a new goal threat.
Burning pockets emptied upon the Tyne,
A rash amount spent, given sight of hind.
Rash followed Rush, and Aldridge and Fowler,
This Geordie lad best not have a howler.
Talented, troubled, scourge of Capello,
No-one’s cost more, but Nando and Dzeko.
What the future holds is yet to be seen,
Scarce optimism is left to be gleaned.
Anfield goals still rare as sitters are missed,
No trip to Ukraine a likely last diss.
And as for new Blue Boy, panic ensues,
The bench is his rest; upstarts earn their dues.
AVB and Kenny at pains to nurse
Their multi-million pound transfer curse.
The Legend of Nando and Carroll by Emelie Okeke is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at strangebounce.com.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://strangebounce.com/2012/01/13/the-great-spl-brainstorm/.
