strange bOUnce

Ping Pong Eggs

September 21, 2012 — cat drinking champagne, flash fiction, funny story, going round the bend, hungover cat, madness, nonsense, ping pong diplomacy, randomness, surreal short story, table tennis balls, zany story

by Jude Ellery

“Have you checked your eggs?” asked the checkout girl.

Miss Jones hadn’t. When the cardboard lid was lifted it revealed not free range eggs, but six perfectly round white ping pong balls. How peculiar.

“Oh,” said the checkout girl.

“Oh,” said Miss Jones.

She didn’t have time to change them though as she was already running late for her date. She stuffed the ping pong eggs in with the rest of her shopping and skipped out of the shop, heading towards the park in a hurry.

By the time she got there the midday sun had ducked behind a cloud’s long grey beard and a light breeze flitted by, ruffling her dress, but Miss Jones was teeming with excitement and didn’t mind a bit. The winding path led her towards a lonely weeping willow that was mopping its tears with a child’s umbrella. As she neared it, the cloud lifted its beard so the sun could show its beaming face again, and a young couple chose to sit beneath the tree for its shade. The willow’s tears swiftly dried up into sniffles and it even broke out into a rare smile.

Miss Jones shook her head gaily and smiled too, waving to the couple who had set down a splendid picnic basket, stained dark brown wicker with a delightful red bow. The young lady waved back then stretched out a lazy arm to open the basket. When the lid sprung open a small tabby cat spilled out like a malfunctioning jack-in-a-box, an ice pack strapped to its hat and a half drunk glass of champagne bubbling in its right paw. The cat rather giddily strode off in the direction of the veterinary surgery, which backed onto the park.

The couple abandoned lunch and instead begun playing leapfrog.

Miss Jones had no time to reflect, however, as her knight in shining armour promptly arrived. He rode a white unicorn and when he pulled back his visor he revealed a perfect red rose held between sparking silver teeth.

“Miss Jones, a pleasure,” her date announced in mid air, as he somersaulted down to greet her. His voice was deep and manly and its vibrations attracted two tree frogs who leapt onto his shoulders, sitting there like post-modern parrots. He didn’t seem to notice them, and thus continued his speech: “I’ve had such an eventful morning, it’s a miracle I’ve made it here at all. First, my important business meeting with the Chinese was all but ruined; I’m a firm believer in ping pong diplomacy but my work experience boy brought me eggs instead of balls. Then, would you believe it, when I got home to change I realised my darling pussy hadn’t returned after his graduation party last night. I’ve been slapping up ‘missing’ posters all over town.”

“Oh I say,” said Miss Jones, and she fluttered her eyelashes so quickly they flew into the air, where they hovered like humming birds. “How strange,” she mused. “Please excuse me, I simply must make a phone call before we begin.”

Her date said, “Not at all,” as all polite knights do, then busied himself removing his breastplate, which was bound together with strawberry laces.

“Hello, is that the clinic?” Miss Jones enquired down her phone’s speaker, which was set into the palm of her hand. “Oh good. I’d like to make an appointment. Yes, it’s getting worse. Yes I’ll hold…” She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes as if trying to remember something. “Hello? Yes of course, Ellery, first initial ‘J’ I believe. Relation to me? Narrator. Nar-rat-or. Yes, that’s right, the author, the funny fellow trying his best to ruin my story. As soon as possible please, he’s gone absolutely bonkers this time.”

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Ping Pong Eggs by Jude Ellery is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.