Red Van Man
August 18, 2012
— bitter arsenal fans, money grabber, open letter to fans, robin van persies letter to arsenal fans, RVP, seven wasted years, van persie to man utd, winning medals
By Emelie Okeke
It is with great apathy indifference sadness that I write this farewell fuck you open letter. As you are all now aware, I have made the simple obvious extremely difficult decision to leave your feeder middling wonderful club for the superior more ambitious fiscally accommodating twelve-time Premier League champions Manchester United. I want to fool assure you that my move was certainly definitely not motivated by money. On the contrary, if financial benefit was my main concern I could have opted for those highly persuasive Sheiks even more lucrative offers. At United, however, I was presented with the opportunity to no longer suffer Walcott’s misplaced crosses follow in the footsteps of previous Dutch legends to have graced Old Trafford. Thus it is with a heavy wallet heart and pound signs tears in my eyes that I leave North London. I take with me underwhelming sullied great memories of my time as an underachiever a Gunner. Who can remember forget our ridiculously lucky epic FA Cup final victory over my new employers United in 2005? That afternoon at Wembley Villa Park where was it again? The Millennium Stadium was alright glorious, but sadly the club has experienced fuck all no such success in the intervening seven years.
Must I? I must take this opportunity to stick two fingers up at thank Arsene Wenger for all he has done for me during my eight fruitless fabulous seasons under his pig-headed tunnel-visioned leadership. His plain blind unwavering support of players through thick and thin is a defect quality to be ridiculed admired, and I wish him and his mediocre talented squad fun scrapping in the Europa League great success for the future. Who knows, maybe one day when you get a rich foreign sugar daddy the correct conditions arise I could return to the Emirates with a few Premier League and Champions League winners medals around my neck to reconvene my custom relationship with you gullible cash-rich magnificent Arsenal supporters. In the meantime, I must now complete my medical at Carrington and hope my back hasn’t been done in too badly from carrying your club for the past two years. I’m relishing the thought of four years of picking up six figures a week after tax like the amazing player that I am deserves intense competitive battles with your team and genuinely hope for more 8-2 thrashings success to both clubs on all fronts. When I return to the Emirates as a champion United player I appeal to you not to boo, and if you are to throw money at me from the stands, five pound notes minimum please as that would ruin my memory of all the great things we achieved at your state-of-the-art ground (I vaguely remember beating Celtic 6-0 in the final of the Emirates Cup. Truly epic…).
I will be forever demanding seven wasted years back indebted to your club.
Yours, for the right price