Terry England: An Unsubtle Metaphor
July 8, 2012
— Boring Spain, England Football Team, euro 2012, funny football stories, Iker Casillas Girlfriend, john terry, John Terry's flat, Predictable Spain, soccer satire, Spain, Spain's Superiority over England, Team of 1966
Through Oxo tears, Terry England logged on to his Facebook account, fully aware of what he was going to find. His amazing ex, and her new mate, Juan Espana. Kiev bedrooms. Champagne. Carpet-burn.
His defence mechanism, always his strongest feature, kicked in. Tackled the subject. If you can’t beat them, discredit them.
“Terry, Terry, don’t concern yourself with Juan. His muscles. His beauty. The way he makes her smile. And scream. He’s boring, Terry. Boring. It’s not about (squad) size, length or girth. Nor is it about touch or proficiency, stamina or ability. Mutual orgasms mean nothing when they’re so… predictable.”
Knotting in his stomach. Terry lurched to the bathroom of his dilapidated studio flat. How did he get here? How did it come to this?
Leaking lukewarm Carling, he stared at his dishevelled member. It used to be bigger. It used to be impressive. Oh, the things it used to do. The envy it inspired. What happened? Where did the virility go?
Unable to stem Juan’s inarguable strengths, Terry’s mind soldiered on. With no results, nothing empirical, to work with, the situation required something less quantifiable. A level playing field.
“This isn’t a results game, Terry. It’s not about performance or ability or talent. It’s an entertainment industry. It’s all about the anticipation, the potential mistakes, the attempts missed. The fouls and the corners and the offsides. A laugh is as good as a sigh.”
Disconsolate, Terry sat back at his desk, scrolling through emancipating pictures. His ex, beaming, flushed, satisfied. The pictures of his own heyday were in black and white. How long could he live, vicariously, through past victories?
“Terry, think how long Juan takes to reach a satisfying…”
He couldn’t listen anymore. After all, this was football, not mental gymnastics.