strange bOUnce

Euro 2012 Knockout Drinking Game

June 22, 2012 — England Brave Exit, England Fans Drinking, euro 2012, Euro 2012 Drinking Game, Football Drinking Games, International Football, James Milner Drinking, Quarter-Finals, rio ferdinand, Roy Hodgson

By Emelie Okeke

It’s that time again, ladies and gentlemen, when all four corners of our meteorologically overcast and culturally adversarial continent unite for the enthralling culmination of the quadrennial feast of football that is the European Championship. To add to the excitement, England have been thoughtful enough to qualify for the knockout stages this time, which means we can happily join our cross-channel cousins in drinking ourselves silly as we continue to immerse ourselves in the on-pitch action, this being the only social activity which unites us with the rest of Europe. Well, that and bitching about picking up the tab for Greece’s debt, anyway.

With the England team providing about as much sophistication as a Dairylea Dunker and a jug of Lambrini at an Oxford Don’s cheese and wine soireè, we long-suffering fans of the Three Lions have more reason than most to get the crates in as the quarter-finals kick-in. So, let’s make it interesting and devise some house drinking rules to accompany the action. Invite your mates from work/college/skiving and become the talk of the town with the help of the following stipulations. Hopefully the returning England players can join in shortly after their customary Valiantly Brave Quarter-Final Exit. All together now: “They’re coming home, they’re coming home, they’re coming…”

Date

June 21 — July 1, 7.45pm — 9.30pm (subsequent programming may be affected by extra time and penalties)

Location

Yours (optional), someone’s else (preferable), the local (unlikely, we’re skint, remember?), a dark lonely corner (England matches only)

Provisions

• At least two large 70cl bottles of a spirit of your choosing (NB: double all rations for England matches)
• A large bottle of tequila for Spain matches (technically a Mexican tipple but let’s not quibble over niceties)
• Uncountable cans of lager

Rules

Whenever England lose possession, take a sip of lager. Whenever Spain lose possession, down a glass of tequila.

If Roy Hodgson manages to successfully answer any question in an interview in under five minutes and without referring to “footballing reasons”, down two fingers worth of drink. Then, promptly stick said fingers up at the screen when he refuses to answer a question on Rio Ferdinand.

Down three fingers of drink for whenever Roy Keane sends a maniacal glare in the direction of Patrick Vieira in ITV’s commentary gantry.

The entire glass of whatever you are drinking must be consumed whenever a commentator suddenly becomes awash with partial and over-patriotic self-confidence and declares England will win the tournament. This usually occurs around the time England successfully defend their first corner.

Whenever Greece score, all participants must spin down a large shot of ouzo, spin around a broomstick for thirty seconds and shout “Papastathopoulos” at the top of their voices five times in quick succession. This ritual must be repeated until accomplished to acceptable standard.

If, God forbid, he gets a game, whenever that Liverpool “winger” overhits a cross, drink must be downed by the last person in the room to berate him. This is known as Last Man Downing Down.

The moment Mario Balotelli finally loses his shit, a generous shot of Sambuca must be consumed.

Three-quarters of a pint shall be downed the first time Alan Shearer refers to a player not plying his trade in Premier League yet pulling up trees on the Continent for several years as an “unknown quantity”. Half a pint the next time, a quarter of a pint the time after that, and so on.

A quarter of a pint shall be downed the first time Guy Mowbray waxes lyrical about a little-known Ukranian full-back who is apparently “the next big thing”, nailed on for the team of the tournament. Add a finger’s width of drink to the forfeit for every bonus fact extracted from the player’s Wikipedia page: his social security details, his favourite colour, his perfect Sunday.

Everything in the room brewed in Germany must be downed when Die Mannshaft are rewarded for their fearsome yet much-admired Teutonic ability to crush teams into absolute submission by winning the tournament.

If, on the tiny off-chance, England do win Euro 2012, locate the nearest brewery for the mother of all piss-ups.

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Euro 2012 Knockout Drinking Game by Emelie Okeke is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.