strange bOUnce

Roy Hodgson Gets Revenge On Rio Ferdinand

June 7, 2012 — England Euros Squad, Funny Football, Funny Mafia Story, Martin Kelly, Real Reason Rio Was Dropped, rio ferdinand, Rio Ferdinand The Gangster, Rio missed drugs test real reason, Rio Snub, Roy Hodgson, soccer satire, The Mafia

by Andrew Smith

After Rio Ferdinand was overlooked for the twenty-seventh time for England’s Euro 2012 squad, England manager Roy Hodgson has stuck stubbornly to his story, insisting that Rio had been left out merely for “football reasons.”

Roy has now picked John Terry, Gary Cahill, Martin Kelly, his dog, his postman, his hairdresser and Titus Bramble ahead of Ferdinand.

“I have picked Kelly purely for football reasons,” he explained, “in particular, his performance against Brighton & Hove Albion in the League Cup. They are widely known as the Spain of the Championship, and are obviously the perfect preparation for facing the likes of Ribery and Ibrahimovic in the group stage. I was also especially impressed by his starring role on the bench in the 0-0 draw with Wigan.”

Despite Roy’s stout defence, rumours persist that Rio’s exclusion relates to an unfortunate incident when the Manchester United defender merk’d Hodgson, several years ago.

Poor old Roy had been sitting quietly in his favourite armchair in front of the fire, in his dressing gown and night cap, sipping on some fine wine and enjoying an improving book, when Rio stormed in. Affecting his best Italian accent, and through the cunning use of a fake moustache, Rio pretended to be a member of the Mafia, attempting to arrange the assassination of Silvio Berlusconi. Remembering Roy’s fine work with Inter, his suave nature and cool head in a crisis, the Mob had apparently identified him as the ideal man for the job.

Now, Roy is no mug — indeed, he is a wise and cultured man of the world. He was not easily convinced. He immediately asked a pertinent, piercing question.

“What is your favourite food?”

What would Rio answer? Pizza or pasta? His research was fool proof.

“Pizza and pasta!”

Roy was convinced, and after throwing a few essentials into a night bag, he was instructed to wait at the bus stop where the car would pick him up and take him to the airport. Little did Roy know — still in his dressing gown and night cap, now waiting patiently in the late evening drizzle — that the bus stop was an expertly done fake. He was actually being filmed by a secret camera while Rio crouched behind a bush, literally pissing himself laughing. However, the plan also backfired on Rio, as one of the neighbours caught sight of him and called the police, suspecting him to be a peeping tom. Old Trafford spin doctors brushed the affair under the carpet at the time, passing off Rio’s eight-month ban as the result of a missed drugs test.

The whole incident rather rankled with old Roy, and the pair’s relationship has reportedly been strained ever since; dark, meaningful glances, muttered insults, excessively firm handshakes and even a heated argument over the last custard cream have all been witnessed in the last few years.

Revenge is, they say, a dish best served cold, and one suspects Roy is cheerfully supping upon a large bowlful of the stuff. Look who’s laughing now, Rio.

Andrew Smith is a council worker and National Trust for Scotland volunteer from Edinburgh who finds the world a scary and disturbing place.  To escape he reads, watches lots of sport and writes nonsense about it.