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Peter Kjaer All Stars
March 15, 2012
— All Stars, Colour Blind Goalkeeper, colour blind story, funny football stories, Peter Kjaer, soccer satire, strange football story, Tor! The Story of German Football, Uli Hesse, Ulrich Hesse-Lichtenberger
We’ve a celebrity in the house. Welcome to strange bOUnce, Uli Hesse.
The following report was discovered amongst the back pages of the Reading Plain Dealer
On their tour of the British Isles, the Peter Kjaer All Stars will stop off in Reading tonight to play a charity game against a local XI. Kjaer, the former Aberdeen and Denmark goalkeeper, has the following former or still active professionals at his disposal (in brackets are their nationality and the name of a club they used to be with or are still playing for):
Goal:
Robert Green (ENG, West Ham)
Kevin Grau (FRA, Troyes)
Defence:
Marcos Rojo (ARG, Spartak Moscow)
Gaetano de Rosa (ITA, Genoa)
Laurent Blanc (FRA, Marseille)
Georges Grün (BEL, Reggiana)
Wes Brown (ENG, Manchester United)
Midfield:
Renato Olive (ITA, Bologna)
Stefan Schwarz (SWE, Sunderland)
Simone del Nero (ITA, Lazio)
David White (ENG, Sheffield United)
Rubén de la Red (ESP, Real Madrid)
Markus Pink (AUT, Klagenfurt)
Attack:
Cuauhtémoc Blanco (MEX, Chicago Fire)
Giuseppe Rossi (ITA, Villareal)
Andy Gray (SCOT, Rangers)
Rolando Bianchi (ITA, Torino)
Raúl (ESP, Schalke)
The US international Teal Bunbury, who had hoped to make the squad, was unceremoniously cut before the All Stars embarked on their tour. Last week, the team surprisingly lost to an amateur side in Blackburn and struggled against Greenwich Borough FC. According to reports, Kjaer was regularly playing his men out of position.
[Editorial note: For the benefit of our readers, we asked the author to somehow explain that Peter Kjaer gained minor fame for being an excellent goalkeeper despite suffering from colour-blindness. However, the author stubbornly refused to do so, arguing it would ruin the entire piece. Naturally, we honour his wish.]
Uli Hesse is a freelance writer, editor and author, probably best known in the UK for his book Tor! The Story of German Football. I’ve actually read this one, and it’s ace. Buy it.
